Dear Soul Arcanum:
I am 23-year-old woman who is currently pregnant. I don’t have a steady boyfriend at present; the man who fathered my baby is good for nothing. I do have a sweet little girl whom I love very much. Her father is taking care of her even though she is staying with my mother. I’m living a very low life. I have too many friends I cannot trust, and I love drinking alcohol. Part of me wants to change to become a better person, but the other part still wants to live this loose life. I don’t know how I am going to change. Every time I enter a new relationship, job, make new friends, etc., everything seems to go awry. I feel like I’m doomed. I was involved in a car crash in January of 1997, and my boyfriend at that time did not even come to the hospital. He didn’t care if I was alive or dead! Every man seems to just not care after they get what they want, which is to take me to bed. I have done many things I am not proud of. Is it normal that at the tender age of 23, I have slept with more than 250 men? Soul Arcanum, I really need your help. Can you give me advice on how to turn my life around?
T.
Dear T.:
While I’m going to focus this column on helping YOU, I have to say a word here about your innocent little girl and unborn child. Unless you want your children to grow up and be just like you and suffer the same way you’re suffering, you need to get a grip on yourself NOW. The part of you that wants something better than this is going to have to SLAY that part of you that wants to continue living a “loose life,” as you put it. You would protect your daughter with your very life, so lay down the life of that foolish, misguided teenager inside you, and step with all of your being toward the strong, wise mother you know you can be.
Now that I’ve said that, I can offer you my compassion. It’s clear to me that you’re carrying a lot of baggage from your childhood and even before that (from past lives). I’m shown that you have been an alcoholic in several past lives, and a prostitute in at least one lifetime. In that life, you did it to survive, but in this life, you have so many more choices. So while it may not seem “normal” to be so promiscuous, for you it hasn’t necessarily been strange. Unless you want to keep this up for all eternity, however, you’re going to have to consciously choose to change. Acknowledge that you have done the best you could, forgive yourself for those things you’re not proud of, then move on! Forget about the past and focus everything you have on who you want to be and how you want to live.
The main thing you must learn is how to say NO to things that will destroy your well-being and happiness. You have thus far said yes to everything and everyone that comes your way. Someone offers you alcohol/drugs? Yes! Someone asks you to go to bed with them? Yes!
The reason you say yes is because you’re desperate for love. You keep trying to be what you think others want you to be in order to fill that empty, achy, lonely feeling in your heart, but you’re waking up to the truth that what you’ve been getting by taking this approach is not love at all, and only leaves you feeling worse in the end. Disrespecting yourself as you have will only lead others to use you, for if you don’t respect yourself, why should they? There are all sorts of users and abusers in the world, and you have become a magnet for them. You thus far have just not loved yourself enough to protect yourself and to demand more and better from life and people.
As you do love your daughter that much, she is actually going to help you change your life. Through mothering your daughter, you have come to know the sort of love you need to feel for yourself. Now you can go back and parent yourself into feeling like you deserve more than what you’ve been putting up with. I want you to start treating yourself the way you’d want your daughter to be treated by herself and by others. If some stranger wanted to use her and take her to bed, what would you want her to do? If you saw her throwing away her mind, body and spirit on alcohol, junkie friends and unsafe sex, what would you want her to do? (That is what you should do!)
Find a minister or an energy healer and get some help with reconnecting with the Divine, reclaiming your personal power, and detoxing on every level. (A church is probably best, as it would be a good source of free or inexpensive help.) I also want you to start attending church so that you can meet a higher quality of people. Start befriending older WOMEN there; reach out for help from women who are solid and strong and won’t let you make excuses when that weaker side of you wants to go on ruining your life. I’m sure there are also social service agencies where you can get connected with other women who are sincerely trying to improve their lives as well. You need true friends now. You need to ask for help and start helping others too. There are lots of young single mothers out there – reach out and work together!
I know your heart is aching for someone to truly care for you, and that this is driving much of your self-destructive behavior. What you need to get from this column is that your relationships with others will mirror your relationship to yourself. If you are self-destructive in your thinking and habits, others will be abusive toward you. If you respect yourself and take great care of yourself, others will respect you and want to take care of you similarly. Respecting yourself here means taking good care of your body (not abusing drugs or alcohol and not giving yourself sexually to any guy who smiles at you). It means getting rid of the people in your life who are behaving in ways you neither admire nor want to emulate. It means cleaning up your act and putting your heart and soul into becoming the kind of woman and mother you most want to be. The harder you work at it, the more you will respect yourself, and the better your life will get.
You can initiate this personal transformation by detoxing on a physical level immediately. I know you’re pregnant, so I don’t want you to do anything drastic like fasting or taking unusual supplements, etc. Just cut out all the garbage: no alcohol, no drugs, no junk food. Eat fruit and vegetables. Look to natural foods for nourishment. Given what you’re putting into your body, it’s no wonder you’re miserable. (If you need help with addiction, GET IT! There is so much free help available out there.)
Then you’ll feel strong enough to detox on an emotional and mental level by getting rid of those users and abusers and doing whatever else you need to do to move forward with your life. You should also take some time to thank the dickens out of your mom and anyone else who has really been there for you. She can and will help you if you are sincere in your efforts to change your life. She has been waiting for you to wake up. You have broken her heart time and time again; it’s time for you to actively begin to try to undo all that hurt you’ve caused. She’s on your side!
You have a loving mother, a sweet child, and a new baby on the way. You have so much to turn your life around for. Think of your children and set a good example, for they are learning how to be in the world by watching you.
In a nutshell: demand more of yourself and the people you let into your world, and you will turn your life around. The time is NOW my friend; I’m sending prayers for strength your way.
– Soul Arcanum