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Dear Soul Arcanum:

I have been trying to lose more than 100 pounds for years and I am getting really frustrated and down on myself. I have lost the same 30 pounds or so over and over again; I always put the weight back on. I am a compulsive eater; I just can’t seem to stop eating. I am convinced that there is something essentially wrong with me that makes me different from other people; I feel crazy and totally out of control. I hate myself for being this way. I hate how I feel and look. If dieting were the answer, it would have worked for me by now; I’ve figured out that I have to go deeper than dieting and exercise, which is why I’m coming to you for spiritual advice.

B.

Dear B.:

Since a lot of people who want to lose weight are going to be reading this column, the first thing I want to do is differentiate between being overweight due to bad habits and being overweight due to compulsive behavior. In my hypnotherapy practice, I see all sorts of reasons people become overweight. Perhaps the most common reason is very simple: with its convenient high calorie foods, huge portions and lack of physical exercise, modern life is a recipe for packing on the pounds. If we don’t consciously strive to remain fit and healthy these days, we’re bound to get out of shape.

Of course, many people do use food for emotional reasons; in fact, everyone does this sometimes, for when we eat for pleasure, we are eating to feel good. What you’re describing, however, is an actual addiction. Like someone who can’t get through life without drinking or using drugs, if you need food in order to emotionally cope with life and your habit is ruining your health and happiness, you’re addicted.

Before I go into a spiritual perspective on healing such an addiction, I have to encourage you to see a doctor to explore possible biological reasons for what you’re going through. I understand if you’re reluctant to do this, but what if there is something physical going on and you’re beating yourself up for nothing?

I believe compulsive eaters are hungry for something more profound than food. This is what underlies the seemingly crazy experience of eating a huge meal but still feeling dissatisfied. It’s sort of like drinking salt water to quench your thirst; the more you drink, the thirstier you get, so you drink more and things just seem to get worse.

I do have good news. First of all, I see a lot in your question that is indicative of what is “wrong” with you. To put it bluntly, you’ve been trying to hate yourself into changing, which never works, my friend. Instead, you must love and trust yourself. Since the very idea of trusting yourself may seem crazy given the situation you’ve gotten yourself into, let me explain.

You’ve been eating compulsively for a good reason. Though it may not have led you to the peace, health and happiness you desire, it has helped you to cope with emotions that you weren’t ready to deal with yet. I believe that we are all doing our bests at all times, which means that people who are caught up in destructive addictions are really doing the best they can to cope at that time. When people overcome addictions, it’s because they have grown stronger and more motivated (self-loving) than they were before, so they have become capable of coping in new and more empowered ways.

This is the juncture at which we meet: you are becoming ready to deal with the proverbial skeletons that have been hiding in your emotional closet for years. Where in the past, you may have cracked the door open to grab something you needed, caught a glimpse of a skeleton, slammed the door shut and run to the kitchen for a snack, you’re now gearing up to open the door wide and look through all the junk in the closet so you can process what you want to keep, what you want to let go of, and what you want to upcycle into something new so you can evolve into a new and <q>better</q> version of yourself. To help you with this process, I strongly recommend you find a hypnotherapist who has experience in dealing with compulsive eating, for the first step must involve bringing all of the stuff you’ve been trying to avoid out into the light so you can see it clearly and consciously decide what you want to do with it.

The rest of the good news is that you are at a very powerful juncture in your life. If instead of trying to get rid of your compulsion as fast as possible, you turn and befriend it, it can become a powerful catalyst for new personal and spiritual growth. Working with it in this way will empower you to not only heal the compulsive behavior and achieve your weight loss goals, it will empower you to change your life on every level and find greater peace and happiness than you’ve ever known before. If you don’t work at this deeper level, you may be able to force yourself to diet and lose weight, but you won’t truly be happy and at peace, which means you’ll eventually go back to compulsive behavior of some kind in order to cope with difficult feelings. (You’ve been down that road before.) Basically, if the skeletons are still in your emotional closet and you’re still afraid of them, they will continue to haunt you.

I also recommend you explore Geneen Roth’s books, especially Feeding the Hungry Heart, Breaking Free of Emotional Eating, and Women, Food, and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything, which offers a lot of valuable insights regarding the emotional and spiritual roots of food addiction regardless of one’s gender.

I see two main keys to healing your self-destructive habits. First you must become conscious of what is happening on a deep level. In addition to hypnotherapy, beginning a regular meditation practice would be wise and powerful for you. I recommend mindfulness meditation in which you simply seek to develop an inner observer so you can watch your thoughts, feelings and actions as from above without judging yourself. If you keep in mind that you are always doing your best to take good care of yourself and you begin to simply observe what is happening inside of you in a calm, detached manner, you will empower yourself to consciously choose new ways to meet the same needs you’ve been trying to meet through compulsive eating. This will enable you to directly process and deal with difficult emotions as they arise, or, when that is not possible, to choose coping methods that support your health and happiness instead of destroying it. For example, I have been addicted to exercise for years; while I’m sure it changes my bio-chemistry, it also helps me release emotional and psychological tension.

If you came into my office for help, the first thing I would do is simply love you as you are and draw your divine beauty and perfection to the surface so you could see it for yourself. The point would be for you to begin to trust, love and accept yourself more fully, for this healing process is ultimately a journey of learning to love yourself better. When you believe in your own power and goodness more than you believe in food as the answer, you will be free from the grips of this painful condition. Please be kind to yourself, trust yourself, and know that when you find the courage to face those skeletons, they will lose the power they’ve held over you. You will then know that you are free to become whoever and whatever you want to be.

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