Dear Soul Arcanum:
My lover Ellen and I share a deep connection. Recently, she met another man she also feels connected to. Whenever she sees him or talks to him, she becomes very distant. We have talked about this, and it seems to me that she has a problem dealing with feeling connected to two men. I have an intimate relationship with her and her children, while this other man is a close friend. She can’t handle it when we are in the same place at the same time. She tries to separate us, and even avoids one when time has been spent with the other. Many times one of us has told her how rude she is being. Her behavior has begun to cause a lot of disharmony in our relationship. I understand that she has a connection with this person and I respect that, but how do I deal with my feelings of jealousy and anger for how she is handling this? Is it possible to have one soul mate as a friend and another as a lover in this lifetime?
Dave
Dear Dave:
Yes! Everyone we’ve ever truly loved, whether in this life or another, is a “soul mate.” They can be friends, lovers, children, parents – even arch enemies.
While a mainstream approach to your situation might dictate you deal with this as an “emotional affair,” you’re obviously spiritually beyond the mainstream. In fact, your dilemma is a common thoroughfare on the journey to spiritual enlightenment, for as we evolve spiritually, we begin to identify less with the fear-based “laws” and “rules” of man, and open more to what is “natural” both here and beyond. When we study other cultures and animals, for example, it becomes clear that monogamy is relatively rare and therefore probably a cultural construct. In spiritual realms, there is also much more freedom; in the astral, free love is the norm. The details that separate us here in the physical such as race, gender, religion, marital status, etc. all fall away in the astral, where we are so engaged in the moment that we are open to pretty much everything.
So as we evolve spiritually, we naturally begin to question societal norms and to listen for the truth in our own hearts. While we’re ultimately moving toward greater embodiment of love, compassion, truth, etc., at first it’s like we’ve got spiritual training wheels, and we tend to tip too far one way and then the other as we make choices that are a mixture of spiritual idealism, guilt, love, fear, generosity and selfishness. We may grasp the right idea, for example, but embrace it for the wrong reasons.
I feel that all three of you have entered this spiritual territory where right and wrong fade into endless shades of grey. It’s actually a sign that you’ve become self-actualizing, which is what this publication is all about. Some of the traits of “self-actualizers” include: extraordinary openness to new ideas, experiences and people; being extremely non-judgmental; being highly conscious of your experiences and reflecting deeply on them; being self-aware and self-honest, and thus able to live in harmony with your true values; searching for “truth” and genuineness in relationships and experiences; honestly seeking “reality” as opposed to avoiding, repressing, etc.; loving and accepting yourself, others, nature, the universe; unpretentiousness, simplicity, spontaneity; gentleness, shyness; self-direction and self-validation; having few but very deep relationships; high creativity; a deep sense of spirituality often accompanied by mystical experiences; a strong sense of ethics that is personal as opposed to learned; endlessly exploring questions that have no clear or definite answers.
As you can imagine, questioning cultural values, living in the moment and being extraordinarily open to new people and experiences will tend to lead to some interesting relationships and situations, such as the one you three are now in. While you’re all attuned to the boundless nature of love, Ellen has gotten stuck in that grey area where spiritual truth collides with practical reality. She has tipped too far to one side in embracing the “right idea” for the wrong reasons.
Meanwhile, your spirit is telling you that even if there is enough love to go around, something here is just not right. To your credit, to be in relationship, it helps to have an idea of where you stand. If this guy is really just a friend, why can’t all three of you be friends together? If he’s more than a friend, then when you have needs, will she be there for you, or will she be off with the other guy? These are valid questions. While you can respect her right to love as she loves, you must also respect your right to have emotional needs and desires of your own.
While free love may reflect a higher spiritual truth, the bottom line is that it is very hard to make it work here on earth, even when everyone involved is happily enrolled. I have seen many attempt it but no one truly succeed long-term. Years ago I personally went through a period of intense awakening when it seemed like I had more spiritual/ sexual/ creative energy than I knew what to do with. I was perpetually “turned on” by life itself, and so afire with creative energy that I barely slept. Mystical experiences were commonplace, and I “loved” everyone I met. As I got swept up in this fiery transformation, I became blind to others’ feelings just as Ellen seems to be. From this experience, I learned that I must master my energy instead of allowing it to master me. As we all know, power is neither good nor evil; it’s what we do with it that matters. If we don’t channel our desire/ energy constructively, it will become destructive.
Over time, the shine and thrill of relationships naturally diminishes, both because we’re bored with the “same old thing,” and because in order to keep them going, lots of rules and compromises have diluted our pleasure. When relationships begin to feel smaller than our passion and energy, then people who don’t know how to make the relationship bigger and deeper become restless and have affairs or explore free love or start nitpicking and provoking fights to have something to do. People eventually break up, and then of course, the same pattern repeats itself in every subsequent relationship, which is why so many people are frustrated in their quest for “true love.” Personally, I have come to see the wisdom in focusing my efforts and energy on a monogamous spiritual partnership. While I may have many “soul mates” like Ellen’s friend in my life, in the spiritual partnership I share with my husband, he comes first. Because we’ve learned to go deeper and deeper with our connection, this feels like a blessing, not a sacrifice.
As I see it, you have two choices. You can communicate how you want to be treated, and then if she doesn’t want the same things you do, let it go and open up to something better. As I can feel you really love her unconditionally, however, and sense that she’s a true kindred spirit, you could hang in there and help her find her way through this by seeking out that deeper path and gently leading her there. For information on how to do this, I recommend books by David Deida, as well as the practice of tantra, especially as concerns relationship as a spiritual path. Another great resource is the book The Unimaginable Life: Lessons Learned on the Path of Love by Kenny and Soul Arcanum Loggins, which details the authors’ own journey through this grey area. It’s available at amazon.com. Read it together; I was delightfully surprised by its honesty. Perhaps if you offer Ellen a relationship path that promises all the new ideas and intensity she can handle, she’ll be turned on by your depth and devotion, and intrigued by the prospect of exploring whole new worlds of experience with you.
– Soul Arcanum
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